News Translation: Satire Edition

This is a very special translation of the news, being as it is translated from several almost identical opinion columns in Danish newspapers.

Muslims are not just folks

In recent weeks, it has been almost impossible to avoid the news that some clearly disturbed individuals had killed a group of unarmed civilians. Clearly, enough column inches have been expended on Boko Haram’s massacre of over 2000 people, we need to talk about the events in Paris.

Of course, we know that two out of 1.6 billion is a very small minority. Still, those 1.6 billion people are sort of responsible, if you think about it. If it wasn’t their responsibility, then whose would it be? Ours? What?

You can’t say that every Danish person is responsible for foreign policies that disenfranchise and enrage, contributing to disturbed people snapping and committing mass murder. That is preposterous. Some of those Danish people actually disagree with their politicians or haven’t given the policies much thought. Some of these Danish people would deny that there is any link between radicalisation and the way power is kept in the hands of the Western world, of which Denmark is a part. How can it be the fault of moderate Danish people that radicalisation happens in the modern world? We’re just folks.

No, it’s the Muslims that are the problem. While we agree they are not a homogenous bloc, that is because they have two sorts. The peaceful ones who we are pretty sure we’d like if we ever met any and the radical ones who cut your head off soon as look at you. The peaceful ones should prove to us, once and for all, that we definitely would get on with them, if only we met socially, by stopping all extremism and bad behaviour of the second group.

We know that the Muslims (both groups, so all Muslims ever), might now claim “Well, Danes, you have not succeeded in stopping murder, extremism, violence etc in your ranks”. The very simple answer to that is “That is impossible to do because we are all individuals and the reasons for violent conduct are as numerous as the violent individuals themselves and are usually very complicated, difficult to unpick and even harder to solve.” We are folks, remember, and the members of our group that behave badly can no way reflect on us and we are absolutely not responsible for their actions. Anyway, back to the main point, good Muslims should really make sure that bad Muslims never happen.

Who do they think they are, anyway, having a different religion and really caring about it? If a good Muslim comments on being provoked or disrespected, they are really saying that bad Muslims are acceptable. Bad Muslims do not like being disrespected either, so it makes it harder and harder to tell the difference. Why can’t Good Muslims just let massive provocation go? We certainly do whenever people provoke us about things we care about, like Danishness. Every time a foreigner says anything critical or in jest about Denmark, we just shrug and laugh. “Interesting point!” or “Hahah, foreigner, good one,” we always say.

This is not like it is a new policy, this one of telling entire groups what to do when a couple of exceptional individuals from a related group do something horrific.

Remember when Breivik killed all those people? We really held the Norwegian people’s feet to the fire. “Rein in your far right, you’re the only ones who can, moderate Norwegians,” we advised. We even got on to people who spoke languages similar to Norwegian, such as Swedish and Danish, and told them pretty much the same thing. We are only doing the same thing now by telling moderate Muslims that they need to do something about their fringe elements. Fair is fair. Remember all that child abuse in the Catholic Church? We told that group to get it sorted and fair do’s, child abuse by priests is completely at an end now. All the moderate Catholics took responsibility for their fringe elements and sorted the problem out easily by telling them to stop it in a clear, firm voice.

In conclusion, there is no point looking at the complex interplay of power distribution in foreign policy and immigration politics to figure out what exactly is driving a tiny minority to violence.

Let’s just tell the Muslims it’s their problem for being different.

News Translation: Mads Christensen Interview

Now the English speaking world has started to become aware of what Mads Christensen said. Great.

The point wasn’t that his stupid “jokes” were damaging or offensive or injurious. Just that Dell were stupid as hell for booking him and mega-cowardly for not turning off the mike when he started his schtick.

Unfortunately, people have come out in support of him with “He’s just the Danish Stephen Colbert!” OMG, I fucking wish. He is more like the Danish… who was the last American to say “some black people do look like monkeys” again? He’s the Danish version of that. Omar Marzouk is Denmark’s closest equivalent to Colbert, in that he says edgy things to get people to think.

Christensen is not even Denmark’s equivalent of Sasha Baron Cohen. My boy Sasha is MOCKING the people who humour him. He is making fun of narrow minded and priggish attitudes. Mads Christensen is glorifying them. If you take a look at this interview, you can see where he manages to dig himself a lot deeper in an attempt to apologise. No one was in any doubt that he was trying to joke, it’s just that what he said wasn’t that funny and didn’t work on any level.

This was written in the tech magazine Comon, and as far as I know, is the only public comment Christensen has given (though it’s possible he gave more interviews). More to come, eh, Mads! Eh? Eh?

Women have to shut up. Children should have weapons. And we should screw unconscious bitches. 

“Blaggard” Mads Christensen apologised for his controversial contribution to the Dell conference. “It is satire and humour, don’t take me seriously.”

By Kasper Villum Jensen

 18th April 2012

Mads Christen has cast the computer company Dell in an unfortunate light by recommending that the branch’s men teach their little boys to say “shut your face, bitch” at a conference yesterday.

At the same occasion, the 800 male (and 40 female), participants were urged to keep the IT-industry free of women because according to Mads Christensen, it’s the last bastion that his gender has left.

The words stood in very poor contrast to the growing work done to encourage more women to choose the IT-industry. Both Mads Christensen and Dell are apologising now for how his show was received.

“I’m awfully sorry if anyone took my words too seriously. I bear no ill will for anyone and especially not women. So, I’m sorry if Dell is going to get badwill because of this. These were not their words.”

He is also annoyed that the sentence has been translated to “shut the fuck up, bitch,” in an English post which made the sentence “shut your face, bitch” seem a lot sharper than it was intended.

Give weapons to 10 year olds

“If someone is looking for a fight and takes one sentence out of  15 minutes without looking at the context or the mood of the room, you could imagine that I am a psychopath.”

“When I use the expression “shut your face, bitch”, it came out of a piece that, in my opinion, is dripping with satire and humour. In my opinion, this is a piece of standup comedy,” said Mads Christensen and added that he also got a lot of positive feedback on his presentation and never has before received criticism for similar shows.

“I used some very caricatured and massively overdriven images. I started talking about Cro-Magnon man. About how things were in the right order in those days and that men could bash their woman in the head and screw her while she was unconscious. I really hope no one takes that seriously. It’s a caricature.

“I also talked yesterday about inventions, when I said all the good inventions were by men. For example, aquaducts, the alphabet, telegraphs, light bulbs, Sony Playstation and the anthracite-coloured alloy wheels. When I named the Playstation and anthracite-coloured alloy wheels in that connection, I thought it was very obvious it was a joke. I know well enough that it wasn’t the world’s best joke. I recognise that now.”

Q:Have you yourself taught your son to say “shut your face, bitch”?

“What I said yesterday was that you should do your son a favour and give him a moped for his 10th birthday. So, I continued to say that he should also get an indoor rifle when he’s 10. Obviously he shouldn’t. It speaks for itself.
“The third thing I said was that you should teach him to say “shut up bitch”. Of course he can’t run around the whole time saying that but only when it is necessary for him to stick his heels in and believe me, his future wife will thank me for that,” said Mads Christensen with regards to his favourite topic of current men that in his view have run themselves into a siding.   

I kick men in the pants

“It’s now been suggested that I am a male chauvinist, a sexist and that I want women back in the kitchen but if you hear the story to the end, you see it’s about a loser. This is a man who got a clip around the ear.”

He thinks that all the trends and signs point to women storming ahead and men being on the way to the coal cellar and he gives that development and its reasons a comic treatment.

Q: But you don’t think your sort of presentation negatively shapes the debate?

“I think that to a great degree, I break the stereotypes and try to illuminate them with a smile, so we can smile a little bit at them and smile a bit at each other. I think we need that. So, in my own light-hearted way, I believe I have done the debate a favour.

“I was hired by Dell to keep the momentum, after Michael Dell left the stage. They were perhaps afraid that the energy would leave the room, and so I was hired to come with a cheeky contribution. But if you’re not into my style, so I bring a lot of firewood to the bonfire. I know that. But it was also a humorous attempt to keep the momentum.

“I know that “Rytteriet” was there later in the evening and talked about that there should be more au pairs in the IT industry so there would be more to screw. That’s not anything anyone should take seriously either because we know it’s satire. Maybe it’s because I don’t wear a costume that people think I’m being serious.”