News Translation: Satire Edition

This is a very special translation of the news, being as it is translated from several almost identical opinion columns in Danish newspapers.

Muslims are not just folks

In recent weeks, it has been almost impossible to avoid the news that some clearly disturbed individuals had killed a group of unarmed civilians. Clearly, enough column inches have been expended on Boko Haram’s massacre of over 2000 people, we need to talk about the events in Paris.

Of course, we know that two out of 1.6 billion is a very small minority. Still, those 1.6 billion people are sort of responsible, if you think about it. If it wasn’t their responsibility, then whose would it be? Ours? What?

You can’t say that every Danish person is responsible for foreign policies that disenfranchise and enrage, contributing to disturbed people snapping and committing mass murder. That is preposterous. Some of those Danish people actually disagree with their politicians or haven’t given the policies much thought. Some of these Danish people would deny that there is any link between radicalisation and the way power is kept in the hands of the Western world, of which Denmark is a part. How can it be the fault of moderate Danish people that radicalisation happens in the modern world? We’re just folks.

No, it’s the Muslims that are the problem. While we agree they are not a homogenous bloc, that is because they have two sorts. The peaceful ones who we are pretty sure we’d like if we ever met any and the radical ones who cut your head off soon as look at you. The peaceful ones should prove to us, once and for all, that we definitely would get on with them, if only we met socially, by stopping all extremism and bad behaviour of the second group.

We know that the Muslims (both groups, so all Muslims ever), might now claim “Well, Danes, you have not succeeded in stopping murder, extremism, violence etc in your ranks”. The very simple answer to that is “That is impossible to do because we are all individuals and the reasons for violent conduct are as numerous as the violent individuals themselves and are usually very complicated, difficult to unpick and even harder to solve.” We are folks, remember, and the members of our group that behave badly can no way reflect on us and we are absolutely not responsible for their actions. Anyway, back to the main point, good Muslims should really make sure that bad Muslims never happen.

Who do they think they are, anyway, having a different religion and really caring about it? If a good Muslim comments on being provoked or disrespected, they are really saying that bad Muslims are acceptable. Bad Muslims do not like being disrespected either, so it makes it harder and harder to tell the difference. Why can’t Good Muslims just let massive provocation go? We certainly do whenever people provoke us about things we care about, like Danishness. Every time a foreigner says anything critical or in jest about Denmark, we just shrug and laugh. “Interesting point!” or “Hahah, foreigner, good one,” we always say.

This is not like it is a new policy, this one of telling entire groups what to do when a couple of exceptional individuals from a related group do something horrific.

Remember when Breivik killed all those people? We really held the Norwegian people’s feet to the fire. “Rein in your far right, you’re the only ones who can, moderate Norwegians,” we advised. We even got on to people who spoke languages similar to Norwegian, such as Swedish and Danish, and told them pretty much the same thing. We are only doing the same thing now by telling moderate Muslims that they need to do something about their fringe elements. Fair is fair. Remember all that child abuse in the Catholic Church? We told that group to get it sorted and fair do’s, child abuse by priests is completely at an end now. All the moderate Catholics took responsibility for their fringe elements and sorted the problem out easily by telling them to stop it in a clear, firm voice.

In conclusion, there is no point looking at the complex interplay of power distribution in foreign policy and immigration politics to figure out what exactly is driving a tiny minority to violence.

Let’s just tell the Muslims it’s their problem for being different.

4 thoughts on “News Translation: Satire Edition

  1. I’ve had it drummed (reoeatedly) into my head, that there’s no such thing as a moderate (or gasp! liberal) Muslim. If ALL Muslims practised what their Holy Book prescribed, they’d ALL be so-called extremists. Since the goal of ALL Muslims is to eventually be the perfect Muslim (i.e. do everything the Quran says they should do), then “it’s only a matter of time”. I’ve pointed out that the Bible is full of more atrocious recommendations than the Quran, but it was patiently explained to me that Christians don’t follow the WHOLE Bible, and know which points to pick out and follow. I suggested that maybe Muslims have the same practice as well, but alas, NOPE.. Muslims apparently aren’t that discerning, because THEIR goal is to follow the entire book word-for-word. s

    I have yet to find out why (in the name of free speech) one must deliberately set out to insult and offend others just because of practising the right that “freedom of religion” gives them. If fifty different groups are repeatedly picked on and picked apart (but only one is ‘barbaric’ enough to react) why is it okay to deliberately continue insulting, offending and marginalising all fifty, simply because “we have the right to insult, offend and marginalise whomever we WANT, dummy!) Just because the other 49 groups are passive (translation: non-violent) does that mean they’re less affected?

    I’ll personally never get the vendetta against “folks who worship differently”. I grew up in a multicultural environment where we respect each others’ quirks. Walk through some towns and you’ll find a church next to a Hindu mandir next to a mosque next to another church etc etc. If I don’t go around drawing cartoons of Prophet Mohammed it’s not because I’m afraid of raising the ire of extremist Muslims, but rather out of respect for the everyday believers who hold Islam and the Prophet sacred. In our schools, they serve neither pork (taboo for Muslims and Seventh-Day Adventists), nor beef (taboo for Hindus). (These are the free meals, btw.. at the cafeteria you can buy what you want).

    Hmm… this comment is just going on and on.. better stop!


    1. Yeah and the people making these claims haven’t read the Koran (or the Bible, for that matter usually), they’re just repeating what they heard. I don’t know how they explain on what basis nearly 2.6 billion Muslims are doing it wrong by not being extremist.

      And while I don’t mind a bit of blasphemy here and there, I think it has to be a punching up or punching across sort of situation. Punching down is just trolling. It’s just being hurtful to people who are already hurting. I don’t get why they don’t get it. I would go as far as to say that I think that if Muslims felt valued and respected in the world and in their communities, it would almost be water off a duck’s back. It might hurt but it wouldn’t wound.

      The fear of multiculture is another mystery. The DF guy went on the record to say that people should boycott all Føtex’s because the Sønderborg one has one sign up (by customer request), explaining how a discount on textiles works in Arabic for the benefit of the refugees there. What the fuck do Danish people feel they have to lose by extending kindness????


  2. I’m all for blasphemy myself. BUT there’s a big, big, BIG difference between making blasphemous jokes in your inner circle/crowd/with those who know that you mean no harm, and setting out on a mission to MAKE entire groups of people feel on edge/disenfranchised/marginalised. Especially when such groups were ‘invited’. It’s just being a lousy host: “You’re welcome here in this free-land-where-anything-goes.. and while we’re at it, we think you, your religion and your culture suck… be like us, or get out!!” (my translation of the Danish narrative in the media). What I hate most is the fixation of the Danish media on ‘others’. I hate that the fixation is so systematic. Danes need to realise that there’s more to ‘vold’ than rocks, stones and bombs. Words hurt, too.

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